Thursday, August 28, 2008

Maybe I wasn't worth it?

Flowers bought for self, by self. Oh dapper gentlemen, where are you?

A few months ago I bought myself some super amazing mascara. This magic in a tube claimed it would extend my lashes by 2,000,000 percent etc etc, and the marketing campaign gave the distinct impression that every fellow in a four mile radius would do nothing short of swoon at the very sight me and my mega-long eye fringes.

And whilst it has made my lashes look noticeably thicker (clumpier? cement-ier?), I must say that it has made no real difference to my life. I have not had any dapper cravat-wearing gentlemen of a certain age press bouquets of flowers into my hands, whispering words of awe as they do so over my lustrous lashes.
Nor is my sleep disturbed by any lovelorn youths reciting words of poetry under my window. I do not have to snuggle under the doona with a pillow clamped over my ears to block out words such as these: “She shot me with an arrow , of which the feathers were the eye-lashes; an arrow which did not strike the outer part of my skin, but cleft my heart"*, recited on moonlit nights in strangled, lustful tones. More's the pity.
I haven’t even had any Tiffany salesmen press free diamonds into my hands, whispering urgently into my ear as they did so that a woman possessing such fine lashes as mine must be liberally covered in only the best of jewels. "Go, sweet kitten", they will murmur as I gleefully bounce out the door with fingers dazzling, "Go with your diamonds and lashes of jet, and do not thank me - your beauty is reward enough!"

I know, I know – I can hardly believe it myself! Although the latter may have more to do with the fact that I rarely step into a Tiffany's store. Budgets, you know.
So it's back to good old Great Lash for me. It may not give me 2 ounce lashes, but at least I can open my eyes without risking eyelid strains (rather hard to bandage). And unlike Super Clump Effect 2000**, As Worn By Tammy Faye Baker***, GL actually washes off, so you don't wake up each morning with big scary non-removable panda eyes, even though you diligently cleansed the evening before.
*Apologies to Kuthayyir 'Azza.
**Not it's actual retail name.
***We think.


  1. You are too funny!
    Love your new profile pic, your hair looks fab :)

  2. I bought "The Lundun Look" as panda'd by kate Moss once .. and found it sticky and clumpy too.

    Great Lash is fab.

    And the secret to Tiffanys is apparently, on the 3rd floor ( cheap stuff ). I know, as I recently got a gift, and it wasn't from the ground floor, where they keep the crown jewels, apparently..


  3. Anonymous1:57 pm

    well this is one way of finding out what you're up to. Hope you're well!


  4. Love the post ;)

    I was watching a courier deliver flowers the other day and I casually lamented to my other half "oh... how i love romance.. how i love flowers.. " and the poor boy didn't have a clue. Sometimes , others just don't know how much you're worth ;)

    Oh , and mascara? I've realized that they will never provide me with what i want!

  5. Anonymous8:15 am

    So funny! I hope you're good old Great Lash does well for you!

  6. You are too funny! I'm sure the reason no one gave you flowers or diamonds was they were just so humbled by your beauty.


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