Friday, July 22, 2011

The Fabric Stash Of Shame

Fabric Stash Of Shame

Jorth sat on the hard chair, and looked around her fearfully. Why had they brought her to this interrogation room? She hadn't done anything wrong, but she began to fart nervously all the same.

Suddenly the door burst open and two navy clad people walked in. One was a large woman with a florid face and a bad blonde-dye-and-perm combo, and the other was a small thin man with an equally thin mustache sitting like a nasty slash upon his upper lip. The blonde slammed a sheath of papers down on the desk and growled "So, Ms Jorth, I suppose you are wondering why we have brought you in today??

"Well, yes..." began Jorth nervously and then jumped as the blonde snapped "Don't interrupt me!" She exchanged a look of disbelief at her colleague at the nerve of their prisoner and then said in a scary quiet voice "Do you have anything you might like to tell us?"

Jorth stared with fright into the blondes' bloodshot and watery blue eyes. "Nothing!" she whimpered. "I haven't done anything!" This statement caused the blonde to tilt back her head and laugh uproariously. "Nothing!" she mimicked, clasping her hands together in mock earnestness. Reverting back to her yelling voice she said "So I suppose it was a Jorth look-a-like who was seen exciting The Fabric Store with new fabrics on the third Tuesday of July, hmmmm?"

Jorth started in her chair. "Well, yes, that was me, but I don't see what the harm is" she said.

"The harm?" echoed the blonde. "There's only the harm to your cupboard which won't close, and harm to your bank balance, and HARM TO THE STASH BUSTING PLEDGE YOU MADE!"

The man tut tutted, and spread out the papers showing surveillance pictures of her making the purchases. Jorth sat frozen, fear paralysing her. They knew! They knew all about the fabric she had bought. Her mind began to panic, wondering what they would do with her now the truth was out.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. "Enter!" barked the blonde, and an Australian Post employee walked in, looking with wonder at the scene in front of them. "Er, is any one of you Ms Jorth? I've got a delivery of crochet books here for you."

Jorth shuddered as the blonde snatched the parcel and shouted triumphantly "Do you see this, Bernard? More evidence!" The Australia Post employee looked sheepishly at Jorth and said "Sorry, but ya gotta sign. Signature here please."

Once Jorth had signed and the Australia Post had departed with a cracker of a story to tell her colleagues over lunch, the blonde slammed her fist down on the table and started screaming at Jorth "YOU. ARE. ON. FABRIC. AND. YARN. PROBATION. DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!??!" Jorth, covered in the spittle that had flown from that yelling mouth managed to whimper "yes!" before dissolving into sobs.

The blonde leaned in close, so close that Jorth could smell the sickening scent of sardines and coffee on her breath and snarled "If you so much as purchase a single length of fabric, or another ball of yarn, or any sort of craft book or instruction manual before you get through both your summer and winter fabric/yarn stash, then all your craft privileges will be revoked. Imagine a life without craft, hey?"

With that threat over her, Jorth really began to bawl. The blonde looked at her in disgust, and said to Bernard "Get rid of her. I don't wanna hear about this girl unless it's news of a finished project. Freaking craft junkie!"

Help me save my skin by getting rid of some fabric, and enter the amazing, awesome Liberty Birthday Giveaway comp!


  1. I'm not opening my door to anyone then! Best you get sewing

  2. I hope they don't pay me a visit - I always buy fabric faster than I can sew it up. Happy sewing :)

  3. This wasn't 'a.k.a. The Gallumph' or just a manifestation of your conscience? Either way, I do feel for you, and understand completely!

  4. Fer, merely my conscience!

  5. Anonymous6:41 pm

    Absolutely and utterly BRILLIANT you craft junkie, you. You disgust me. (Only kidding!) What a fabulous write up! Wow, you paint some scary people.

  6. I've concluded that fabric stashing is like dieting, the harder you try the less successful you are.

  7. Ha ha! I can empathise! The only thing that stopped me from similarly hitting THe Fabric Store this week was horrendous pelting rain and wind here in Sydney :-)

  8. Oh I have such a guilty conscience about buying fabric and patterns. I just can't resist patterns in particular. The price of fabrics usually keeps me in check, but patterns on sale can be so cheap and irrestistible. I'm banned from buying more patterns til I've worked through my backlog,

  9. Admit to Nothing!!!! Hide those fabrics if those scary people come your way again. As for moi, they're in full view in my sewing room, reminding me to keep on sewing. Loved your story!

  10. Ahem! (Runs away to hide the stash). I hope you didn't mention my name!


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