How to win friends and influence people

When getting together with new friends for a coffee for the first time, one should follow these steps in order to guarantee a successful meeting.

1 - Be on time. People appreciate your punctuality. Unlike Jorth, who left the house with a scant 5 minutes to spare, and then practically had to run the 2kms to the cafe, whereupon arriving she spent the next 10 minutes apologising for how late she was, and how puffed out, and maybe a glass of water gulp gulp gulp more water gulp gulp gee whiz I'm puffed and hot are you hot gulp gulp gulp ok so maybe it's just me gulp gulp.

2 - Listen carefully to your companion, and ask questions with thoughtful details that show you have been paying attention. You lived in London, you say? Geez, I love London...heavens my nose is running... heehee maybe because I ran all the way here...now, I think I have a tissue somewhere hooooooonkhoooooonkhooooonk so London, do tell me more hooooooonk hoooooooonk oh my nose, I'm streaming! Yes, London's great, isn't it hoooooooooooooooonk sniffle sniffle honk.

3 - Hold up your end of the conversation, but beware of monopolising it. Yes, so after I stopped working as a technical writer I choke choke choke oh my sainted aunt my tea has totally gone down the wrong way choke choke choke yes I know I should stop talking but choke choke geez I can't even breath choke choke cough hack choke now I'm crying for Pete's sake choke choke anyway tech choke writing choke choke ok, hang on just choke give me a minute and perhaps some water choke chokity choke oh sh*t I drank all my bloody water choke hack choke gulp gulp gulp.................[stupefied silence from both parties, with the occasional gasp for breath by Jorth]

So, simply follow these three easy steps and you'll be on your way to winning new friends in no time. Best of luck!